Quick note...

"Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember."

~ Seneca ~

I have been neglecting my blogging over the past week due to the "moving up" of my youngest son. I haven't had a day to just "sit still" or spend time surfing my favorite blogs  (and I miss it so much). But this is such a precious time for me because it is the end of my "Elementary" school days.

I will never again roam the halls of this school searching for my son-shine and it's hit me very hard. So I am soaking up every minute available and permanently etching it in my memory.

I shall return to blogging soon, so please don't forget me!!

My little man's growing up....

"Growth is the only evidence of life."

~ John Henry Newman ~

My 11 year old son is finishing up his 5th grade school year and will be "moving up" to Junior High School next year. I thought I would be happy to end the elementary years with all the class parent, field trips, book fairs and all that goes with it. I have had a child in elementary school for almost eighteen years (due to the span of years between my sons) and I thought I would be jumping for joy at the thought of no longer being so involved....or so I thought.

I wasn't prepared to be so emotional about it! I've attended every field trip as a chaperon. I've been the class parent. I've never missed a field day or family picnic. I show up for every concert, parent/teacher conference and art show. I've helped with the class parties and I've been a guest reader at his library for each year of school (his class mates remember every book I read to them....awesome) and I have loved every minute of it!!

Just like everything, the time goes by too fast. I can't believe he will no longer be my little guy. He's growing up (very heavy sigh). Being a single parent has made the bond between us so tight because we are together almost all the time, so I have been a big part of his elementary school memories. I just didn't know how much it all meant to me and how much I wished it wasn't over.

Each event this year has only served to remind me over and over again that this time in his life is drawing to a close. It especially hit me when we were at his Field Day last Friday. The final event is the Tug-of-war with all his classmates. It's his favorite event and he looks forward to it every year. As he always does, he heads toward the end of the rope to be one of the anchors (he's a football player and he's big). His bright red face all scrunched up while pulling with every muscle in his body makes for great pictures and my favorite memory. He walked up to me after the event was finished and gave me a great big hug. He won and it was his last tug-of-war...his last field day.....and it made me tear up.


1st day of school - 5th grade

So with two weeks left of my little man's elementary school days, I will be holding on to every memory (not to mention the ga-zillion pictures I took of him) as tightly as I can....while he "moves up" to the next awesome step in his journey towards growing up. My little man.

 



 



How low can you go........

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Last night didn't kill me....but did it make me stronger?????

 I had gone to visit my friend Judy's mother, Mary, who is kinda like my surrogate mom. She's the sweetest person I know and we can talk for hours. As we usually do, we were very engaged in a conversation about our favorite authors, books and movies when she popped up and asked if I wanted to have some ice cream and I never say no to ice cream.

I promptly gave myself a bolus to cover the ice cream and waited for her to come back in the room with my peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. I tried to remember when the last time I had checked Dexter for my latest bg trend and realized I hadn't for hours. Just then I started to notice that I was getting very sweaty so I pulled out Dexter from my purse....and I was at 55!! I missed all the alarms! I checked Lestat (my meter) and I was at 50! Then the thought hit that I had just programed a bolus for the ice cream I hadn't even started eating!!!

In a panic I grabbed my pump and suspended the bolus, but a unit had already been given. I ate the ice cream and grabbed a can of Fanta orange soda and guzzled it down. Mary was on the phone with Judy (my friend, her daughter)  giving her the play-by-play (Judy works at the hospital that I would be going to if things didn't improve). I kept checking Dexter and he was still trending down......I checked Lestat......40....then Dexter again......no numbers......just "LOW".....and you know I had to take a picture of it!!!!!!

My last resort was the Glucose Gel that I had picked up for $4.99/ tube. I sucked that down too! Dexter was still showing "LOW" for a while after that. After what seemed like hours, he slowly creeped up to 55 again....then 70........and finally I was at 90 and felt safe enough to drive home. It was now 11pm, two hours after this drama started and I'm sure it was way past Mary's bedtime, although she insisted on staying with me.....gotta love her!!. I apologized for all the panic and chaos because I felt so bad that my visit was so stressful for her. She smiled, laughed and said that she couldn't believe that in the middle of what she felt was a life threatening situation, I had stopped to take a picture of Dexter (yes, we are a very strange bunch we bloggers).

Last night didn't kill me, but did it make me stronger??? I don't know. But I did get to see how LOW Dexter can go!!!

Joy!

One joy scatters a hundred griefs.

~ Chinese Proverb ~



I had to check Dexter's number because I couldn't believe I was pulling numbers like this!



This past week has turned out to be one of the best as far as my d-control. I have been in the 90 - 120 range for the most part. I have been able to just bolus for carbs, no correction boluses, and have been like clockwork! I've checked Dexter and Lestat more often because I can't believe what I see!!

I don't get it, I don't know what is so different. I don't know what changed. I only know that I stopped doing everything that I thought I had to do, and let my body have a break. Who knew????



Some days I want to quit.

"You haven't failed until you quit trying."
       - Anonymous

In the effort to be more "positive" in my thoughts, I didn't blog about what happened last Saturday before my much happier Sunday adventure. I didn't want to focus on the worst day when the rest of the weekend was so great. But in all fairness, it matters just as much. We can't ignore the things that are harder to talk about. So....

It seems that I have been in "fight" mode ever since being diagnosed. I'm a survivor and not afraid of hard work or sacrifice. So with this coat of armor I stand, ready to fight the fight. The thing is, diabetes doesn't fight fair.

I woke up Saturday to find that what I had planned to do was not an option. I was alone. My bgs were  terrible...again. All the exercising, weightlifting and strict dieting wasn't bringing down my bgs or my weight. Not even a pound! My pants were tighter!!! That was one of the last straws for me. Even after everything I was fighting so hard to control......my weight was yet another thing affected by diabetes.

I felt like such a failure at everything. It was a really dark depression. I gave up!!! Totally!! I truly felt that I was not able to fight the fight anymore. After everything "positive" that I had  been trying to focus on, it wasn't working. I felt like such a failure and the depression was evidence.

I did all my errands, came home, laid down on the couch and cried. I curled up in a fetal position and let myself cry it all out. Heck, I was alone so what would it matter, no one would know. It was then that I decided that it was my right to feel this way and sometimes the fight is the "crying"! Being depressed because of D isn't a weakness, it's just another thing we have to fight against.

The rest of the night I let myself have a mopey, lazy, chick-flick infested, do-nothing-but-lay-on-the-couch, crying, pityfest. I let it go and didn't fight. I stayed in the darkness. I owned the depression.

We don't like to talk about those days, but they are relevant too. It's what makes us honest. I hate to admit that I was weak, but the fight is still there, it just took the day off. The surprising thing to come of it all was that my bgs have been remarkable since then! I haven't had numbers like these....ever. They have been so optimal that I'm thinking that I should consider cry-fighting more often :)