"You haven't failed until you quit trying."
In the effort to be more "positive" in my thoughts, I didn't blog about what happened last Saturday before my much happier Sunday adventure. I didn't want to focus on the worst day when the rest of the weekend was so great. But in all fairness, it matters just as much. We can't ignore the things that are harder to talk about. So....
It seems that I have been in "fight" mode ever since being diagnosed. I'm a survivor and not afraid of hard work or sacrifice. So with this coat of armor I stand, ready to fight the fight. The thing is, diabetes doesn't fight fair.
I woke up Saturday to find that what I had planned to do was not an option. I was alone. My bgs were terrible...again. All the exercising, weightlifting and strict dieting wasn't bringing down my bgs or my weight. Not even a pound! My pants were tighter!!! That was one of the last straws for me. Even after everything I was fighting so hard to control......my weight was yet another thing affected by diabetes.
I felt like such a failure at everything. It was a really dark depression. I gave up!!! Totally!! I truly felt that I was not able to fight the fight anymore. After everything "positive" that I had been trying to focus on, it wasn't working. I felt like such a failure and the depression was evidence.
The rest of the night I let myself have a mopey, lazy, chick-flick infested, do-nothing-but-lay-on-the-couch, crying, pityfest. I let it go and didn't fight. I stayed in the darkness. I owned the depression.
We don't like to talk about those days, but they are relevant too. It's what makes us honest. I hate to admit that I was weak, but the fight is still there, it just took the day off. The surprising thing to come of it all was that my bgs have been remarkable since then! I haven't had numbers like these....ever. They have been so optimal that I'm thinking that I should consider cry-fighting more often :)